They really encouraged us to write down our experiences so we didn't forget anything that happened in Kenya, so I kept a journal the entire time I was there. It actually proved to be a wonderful habit to start, so I kept it up afterwards. While I was in Kenya I filled page after page after page with thoughts, feelings, experiences, observations, conclusions, and a lot of complaints about the food. I realized lately, though, that even when I do write in my journal (which is not nearly as often as I should) it seems super lame. Very lacking in substance and real effort. Not nearly as cool as my Kenya journal was, although I guess that's to be expected. But still. It makes me sad to realize I have so much less substance in my life now (which I'm sure you've noticed if you've been reading my blogs through Kenya up til now..I'd like to personally apologize for the fact that nothing exciting happens to me any longer and that I write about nothing of any real value).
I wanted to see what I was writing about before and why I can't write as much now so I started reading my Kenya journal last week. I got about halfway through it and had to stop out of sheer terror. Why? Because my worst fears have been officially realized. I am a terrible person (which I always suspected, but I now have written proof of, which is much scarier).
I learned a lot in Kenya. I learned what it means to be a servant, what it means to be poor, to be needy, to be constantly uncomfortable but content all at the same time. I learned how to really, honestly talk to God and how to listen to Him in return. I learned how to have consistent quiet time and reflection and to think about things other and bigger than myself. I learned about hope and joy and how the Spirit actually moves in our lives if we let him. I learned SO much and I applied it to my life. I was a different person in Kenya. And thankfully or unfortunately (depending on how you look at it), I wrote that all down. I have written evidence of the fact that I changed. For the first time in my life I really let God work in me and through me.
And here comes the terrifying part. I wrote down (a painful amount of times) my biggest fear in the entire world while I was in Kenya...and it wasn't that I'd get mugged or hurt or diseased or anything...it was that I'd forget that part of myself when I went home. That I would revert back to that dreadful person I was before I had this amazing experience and just lose everything I learned, everything I suffered for and worked for, everything that had made me laugh and cry and made me scared or joyful. I was honestly terrified that all of those experiences would be gone, that I'd chalk it up to a great time I had that one summer but that would be it. That was my worst fear.
And it came true. I became my own worst nightmare....like if Kyla turned into a giant spider or Katy Havran woke up as a televangelist...
I realized after reading my Kenya journal that I am once again that awful person that I hated so much before, that focuses on herself and her own comforts and desires about everyone else's. Whose day is ruined by one thing going wrong. Who only talks to God for 5 minutes as she falls asleep each day. Who isn't happy or joyful or even all that nice all the time. Who is (apparently) super self-deprecating and still pretty selfish because this entire blog is about how I suck (as were some previous ones, I know...it seems to be a popular topic with myself).
It's a terrible realization when you see that you've become the worst version of yourself. And what's awful is that now I know I can do better. Before I went to Kenya I could excuse it, saying that's just how I am, that's the best I'll be, that whole "being nice to people" bit isn't for me (I'd like to clarify here that I am not, in fact, mean to people per se, I'm just not as loving as I know I should be-- as I can be-- especially when I'm watching The Office. Don't even try to talk to me then). But now I know better. I've been better. I've had that super tight relationship with God where I felt like we were on the same page with stuff, where I felt like He was showing Himself to me, where I felt like I was actually doing something meaningful with my life, even if it just meant serving someone on a small scale.
And it is a super disappointing feeling when you realize you've let yourself down, you've let God down, you've let down all those people who were hoping Kenya would make a difference in your life.
Well then, folks, here it begins. The epic battle between Kenyan Kelsey and Columbus Kelsey. Kenyan Kelsey was joyful, focused, service oriented. Columbus Kelsey is unhappy, lonely, cynical, and excruciatingly selfish.
Who will win the battle of wills as KK and CK fight to the death!?
I hope for the sake of everyone around me it's Kenyan Kelsey :)
