Honey Badgers vs. Unicorns

Disclaimer: This entire blog post comes from me casually reading the story of Noah. Casually. I did no research or studying to come to any of the conclusions I draw here. Some of them (all of them) may be horrendously inaccurate or misguided or heretical. My apologies if they are. You've been warned. Disclaimer over. 

So, as most of you know (if you don't know: surprise!) my fiancé broke up with me about a month ago. It's been a really weird month, to be honest. To go from thinking you're getting married and moving to Africa to starting what feels like your entire life over is…bizarre. And confusing. And disappointing. And sad. And did I mention bizarre? Like I said, it's been a weird month.

Clearly, there are a lot of emotions that go along with all this. I won't go into a lot of the details about what happened or why (partially because I'm still not sure what happened or why myself) but the one thing that really has been hard for me through all this (ok, one of many things that have been hard for me) is figuring out how God plays into all this. I was so sure God was leading me in this direction, to marry this person and start this life in North Africa. I was more sure than I'd been about most anything else in my life so far.

So what the heck happened? Did God lead me to that place just to drop me and leave me hurt and confused? Was this part of the plan from the beginning? Or did I totally and completely misunderstand what I thought God was "telling" me or where He was leading me? Do I even know what it sounds like or looks like when God's trying to tell me something? I'm not so sure I do.

I don't have all the answers still. I probably won't ever. But in the midst of all this I started reading through the story of Noah. Not on purpose though, I never purposefully read the story of Noah. It's one of those stories I feel like I get pretty well at this point. Guy builds a boat, takes a cruise with a zoo, there's some rainbows. End of story, right?

Maybe it was because I was feeling very deep and reflective about life and the meaning of things and why things happen and other things people think about when they're being weird and sad and melodramatic. Maybe it's just because I haven't purposefully read the story of Noah in about 10 years (clearly not my best call, I know, I get it, I'll read through the whole Old Testament now. Ok? Get off my back) but either way, when I read through the story of Noah this time it seemed very different from the bedtime story I'd always viewed it as.

It seems pretty obvious to most of us that if God tells you to build a boat, you do it. I'm ok with that part. Seems logical. I'd do the same thing. In fact, if I ever really thought I heard God audibly speak to me I'm fairly certain I'd do absolutely whatever it was without question for fear of Him melting my face off. Not that God melts faces, I mean He might, I don't know. I just wouldn't want that to be on my tombstone "Here lies Kelsey. Face melted by God." Actually, now that I see that written out, it looks kind of cool. But I'd still rather not incur the wrath of God to the point of face melting so I'm sticking with my original theory that if God told me to do something I'd do it, no questions asked. So I get why Noah went with it. Good call, Noah.

Here's the part where I feel like things get crazy. It took Noah somewhere between 50 and 100 years to build the ark (I'm not a biblical scholar, I'm making some estimated guesses here). And as far as I can tell (again, not a biblical scholar here), God spoke to Noah to tell him what to do, but then Noah didn't hear from God until after the ark was done. God told him to build the ark, then after it was done, God told him to head on in. That means that Noah plugged away building a giant boat for over 50 years without another word from God. As someone who likes a lot of positive affirmation, that seems insane to me. I can barely pick out an outfit without someone else telling me it looks ok. I can't imagine working on a boat for 50 years without a thumbs up or a gold star every now and again. If I was Noah I would've very much appreciated a "Hey great job, keep up the good work!" every decade or so, just so I'd know I was on the right path. But I'm fairly certain that didn't happen. God said do it and expected Noah to do it, no second guessing.

I really can't imagine what must've gone through Noah's head during that 50-100 years. How many times he must've second-guessed himself, replayed God's words in his head, tried to remember what exactly He had said, tried to decide if it was real, if it had actually happened. I don't doubt there were days when Noah thought he might be crazy, where he wondered if God had ever really spoken to him or if he'd just imagined it. But then that wonderful day came when God spoke again and told Noah to get into the ark.  That must've been a relief.

Ok so God finally speaks to Noah again, tells him to get on the boat and He shuts the door behind him (that was nice of Him, I think). And then it starts raining and the flood comes, people die, they float around for awhile, etc. etc. But then Noah doesn't hear from God again for an entire year. A year! Noah and his family spent an entire year on a boat with a ridiculous amount of animals (who I'm sure continued to have the normal bodily functions of animals. Some of them were probably seasick. I bet that was fun) without hearing from God. He spent an entire year cramped on a boat with his family, feeding animals, cleaning pens, trying to keep the honey badgers and the unicorns apart (which in my mind, he failed miserably at, which is probably why there are no more unicorns. I have no biblical evidence for that, I just choose to believe that's what happened).

I can't imagine what Noah thought during this time. I know at this point he trusted God to come through for him, but I'm sure it was still really awful. He had no idea how long he'd be on that boat. As far as he knew he could've spent the rest of his life bobbing around on the world's first (and only, to my knowledge) Floating Zoo. He had no idea what God had in store, what came next, what the plan was.

This is how I feel right now. I feel like I'm on an ark floating in the waters with no idea of what's going on or what happens next or how long I'll be here. I felt like God led me to this place but now it's different than I ever imagined it would be. It's not what I expected, it's not what I hoped for, it's not what I wanted. But it's where I am.

I feel like sometimes we look back at the stories of the Bible and think "Oh they had it so easy, God just spoke to them and told them what to do." We have this romanticized vision of what life was like for them, but I think we're wrong. I think it was hard. Really hard. God has plans, but He doesn't give us a heads up about what they are (which is smart of Him, really, because otherwise I would've sent God multiple notarized letters about why His plans were bad and unwelcome and as we all know, God hates getting notarized letters but He would've read them because He's nice like that and it would've wasted His time and my time and probably gotten really annoying after awhile and He would've had to melt my face off just to stop me from sending Him so much mail).  Noah trusted that God would take care of him. I'm sure he was scared and confused and worried occasionally, but he didn't let that overwhelm him, he didn't let it change his course or his trust in God.

Here's another thing about Noah that I found interesting. After a few months on the ark without hearing from God, Noah sent out some birds to see if the waters had receded. He didn't need God to give him step by step directions for his life, he knew a bird would fly around and come back if it couldn't land, so he did the best he could with what he knew. He threw out some birds to see what was going on out there. He didn't just sit on the ark and mope and complain about how God had left him there to die or to float around for all eternity. He made decisions himself; he moved the process along as best as he could without interfering with God's explicit instructions. He did something. He made the best decisions he could with the knowledge he had.

Eventually God told him to get off the boat and we all know what happens next: rainbows, wine, streaking, passing out drunk, curses on your youngest son, etc. That part of the story isn't super relevant to the point I'm making here (although it is largely entertaining). My point is this (well I have multiple points so I'll make them as succinctly as possible because this is already super long and you probably stopped reading a long time ago. I don't blame you. I didn't give you incentives to finish this. That's on me): Noah trusted God's plan, even when God was silent, even when things were confusing or scary, even when he had no idea what was going to happen or why or how he got into this mess or how many loads of camel dung he'd have to throw off the side of the boat. God doesn't give us the whole picture and he doesn't make it easy for us. But that's when we do the best we can with what we know. I can't sit around whining on my metaphorical boat waiting for God to open the doors. I might be here for weeks or months or years. That's why, even when we don't understand what's happening, even when we don't know why God would lead us to the place we're at, that's why we need to start throwing some birds out the window.

So that is my plan. Bird throwing. I may not understand what happened or why or if this was where God wanted me or just where I ended up. But in any case, I'm here now and I know that God won't forget about me, He won't leave me here to float around in my ocean of uncertainty and confusion forever. But until He opens that door and I can get off this miserable boat I'll just keep throwing birds, doing the best I can with what I know, serving Him where I'm at, and being thankful for the fact that no one told me to spend a year in an ark with a honey badger. 

What To Expect When You're Not Expecting

Disclaimer: This ended up being a lot longer than I was planning. BUT if you read all the way through there's a super cool story at the end!!!! Is that enough incentive? Probably not. A cookie? Do you want a cookie? We could talk about cookies...

So this week I'm traveling through Ohio and Pennsylvania visiting supporters and speaking at churches. It's been an awesome week so far, complete with various activities that involved visiting the house I was born in (well, I wasn't born there, my parents weren't hippies and we all very much enjoy actual medical facilities. But I came home to there and lived there for the next 3 years, so whatever you'd call that), getting licked and subsequently attacked by a baby cheetah, and seeing God do some awesome stuff through some amazing people. I'll skip the first 2 things and tell you about the last one.

For those of you who don't know, I was born in Alliance OH (in a hospital, just so we're all clear) where my Dad was the minister at Cornerstone Christian Church. We moved when I was 3, but I have some really amazing memories of that church and the fantastic people we knew there. Even though I didn't spend much time there, it still feels like coming home and seeing family whenever I go back to visit, which I got to do this weekend. They invited me up to speak to their church about my work with Team Expansion and my future in North Africa with Jordan. On my trip up I was talking to Jordan on the phone and he was telling me about a really amazing sermon he'd heard recently about expectant faith; not just praying for things, but truly believing God will provide the things you're asking for, not just knowing God can do something, but knowing He WILL.

This is something I have a hard time with. I'm an anxious pessimist by nature (a couple months ago I noticed a freckle in my eye and spent the next hour wholeheartedly believing I had eye cancer. I was certain I was dying. I'm pretty sure I even planned out my own funeral. Spoiler alert: I don't have eye cancer), so it's hard for me to not prepare for the worst. When I ask God for things I do so with the full knowledge that He can make it happen, but I always prepare myself for the disappointment that He won't. I'm always preparing myself for the next disappointment, the next bad thing, the next let down, not because I think people will always let me down, most of the time they don't, but because I hate the feeling of hoping for something or expecting something and being disappointed when it doesn't turn out the way I want it to.

Disappointment is one (of many) emotions I haven't figured out how to handle like a grown up. In fact, I'm pretty sure I still handle disappointment like a 3 year old. I tend to do a lot of whining and pouting and self-pitying when I'm expecting something or looking forward to something that doesn't happen. One time I was in a hurry and on my way somewhere (I'm sure it was somewhere important, as I am an incredibly important person, but unfortunately I can't remember where exactly it was. But I'm sure it was important) and had gotten a much needed large Diet Coke from McDonald's, which is one of my favorite things in the world. I was embarrassingly excited about my giant Diet Coke. As I was getting out of my car I put the drink on top of the roof for a second while I grabbed the rest of my stuff. It immediately slid off and exploded on the concrete. It was too late to go get another one, I was going to have to finish my day Coke-less. I'm pretty sure I yelled in anger and despair. I may have also cried. It definitely ruined the rest of my day (which I'm assuming was already going terribly because otherwise I probably wouldn't have cried about a Diet Coke. Maybe I would've. I really love Diet Coke). My point is that I don't handle disappointments well and unfortunately, that bleeds into almost every area of my life, including how I see God.

It's not that I think God doesn't hear my prayers or that He isn't answering them, I'm just always afraid the answer will be no. I know He can do all things, but I'm afraid He won't do the things I ask, so I prepare myself for the possibility that things won't work out in the way I'm asking. But that's not what God tells us to do. In Mark 11:22-24 it says "Have faith in God," Jesus answered. "Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Well that pretty much speaks for itself, doesn't it...

So that leads me to the super cool story I promised you. As I was saying, I was talking to Jordan about expectant faith and how important that is in the line of work we're going into. So after we hung up I was thinking about it and realizing how terrible I am at expecting God to show up when I ask Him to so I thought to myself "Ok, this is what I should do, this is what I'll do. God, please let me raise $1,000 from the church I'm about to visit to cover the cost of a training course I have to take next year." As soon as I finished my prayer I kind of laughed to myself at that thought. I wasn't even going to speak at this church with the expectation of raising any money at all, it was just a visit to update them about my ministry. And on top of that, Cornerstone is a small church in a fairly rural part of Ohio. It's by no means a megachurch; in fact, I'm pretty sure there were less than 50 people there on the day I spoke. I promptly forgot about my $1,000 prayer and finished up my trip, arrived in Alliance, and had an amazing time visiting with people I hadn't seen in years, hearing stories about myself as a 2 year old, and seeing pictures of my family from 1990 (such awesome pictures, such bad hair).

I spoke to the Sunday School class and again during the worship service and filled them all in on my life, my ministry, my future in Africa, and assured them Jordan was, in fact, good enough for me :) Then we finished up with a pot luck lunch and some more stories about how awesome I was as a tiny child (what can I say, some things you're just born with). During the lunch they announced that they'd collected over $700 for my ministry in a love offering. I was absolutely floored. I didn't expect anything, let alone $700! I felt so encouraged and so loved. It was awesome.

***Story in a story: The week before I came to visit the little kids made banks during junior church and they had them spend the week raising money for me. A lot of them did chores for their parents to collect money. One of the little boys' chores was to pick up the chicken eggs, move the dog bed, and not chase their rooster. That was my favorite :) The kids ended up raising over $40 for my work in North Africa! About 5 kids raised $40! How awesome is that?! I was so humbled to think these little kids spent an entire week working and raising money just for me and the work I'll be doing! It was seriously amazing. One of my favorite moments ever. Ok end of story in a story***

As I was leaving they handed me a check for the amount they'd raised. I didn't think to even look at it, I was still so amazed they'd raised $700! I just stuck it in my wallet and thanked everyone. As I was leaving one of the elders handed me some cash, saying they also wanted to cover my expenses for traveling all the way up there. I told them they didn't have to do that, but they were insistent so I took it (again without looking) and thanked them again (seriously, they're the nicest people ever). I got in my car and started to drive back, still amazed that one of the smallest churches I'd spoken at raised $700 for me!

I stopped less than an hour later to get some gas. As I opened my wallet to pay I saw the check they'd handed me. I finally took a second to look at it and my mouth dropped. It was for $900! I was so sure they had said $700 when they announced it earlier. I was even more amazed than before. This one church of 50 people raised $900 for my work. So awesome. Then I remembered the prayer I'd prayed the day before. I thought to myself, "Wow God, this isn't quite $1000 but it's still WAY more than I thought I'd get so thank you! You really do provide." I started driving again and thinking about how cool God was when I remembered the cash they'd given me before I left. I hadn't counted that either so I immediately pulled over and counted it out. Exactly $100.

Mind blown.

God had answered me in a big way. I'd asked for $1000 and that is EXACTLY what He gave me. I really don't know what else to say besides my mind was seriously blown. I spent the next 2 hours driving and smiling and thinking to myself, "Man, God is so cool. So cool."

I wouldn't normally talk about finances or how much money someone gave me or anything like that, but this was too amazing not to share. God worked in an amazing way through Cornerstone Christian Church this weekend. He used Cornerstone not only to provide the money I needed for an expensive training course I have to take next year, but to show me how important expectant faith is, how important expectant prayer is, and how He truly does want to give us good things, we just have to trust that His word is true. He wants to show up, He wants to work things out, He wants to blow our minds, we just have to give Him the chance. Just trust Him, that's all we have to do. Should be easy enough, right? ;)

Oh right cookies. There was talk of cookies. Well umm, sure, let me just...oh no... I'm going... through a tunnel...can't hear you...

My New Life Plan and How the Germans Ruined Everything

So...it seems like I have some big life changes coming up soon. As most of you know, I got engaged last month and since I've promised some people the full story and explanation of what happened and what's happening next with my life and ministry, I figured I'd write it out so everyone could read it or not read it at their leisure. Warning: this will be the full story, beginning to end, so feel free to skip to the parts you find most exciting or are most curious about. There won't be a quiz at the end to see if you read it all, I promise.

Jordan and I met last fall at the Team Expansion office. He was in the office for some training before he headed to North Africa. We started dating in November and he left for North Africa in February. Before he left we discussed the possibility of me eventually moving to North Africa too and we decided I'd go visit in the summer to see how I felt about it (sidenote: I did not feel good about it at the time). He flew me out to visit at the beginning of June. It was a really great trip; I got to see the country, learn a little about the culture and the people, figure out what sort of North African food I'd be willing to eat, and see the work Jordan is doing there. Jordan's been doing amazing things in the short 4 months he's been there. He's really picked up the language and has made a lot of friends from the local university. He's had the chance to share his testimony and the gospel with his new friends multiple times and some of them really seem open to studying the Bible together. It's really pretty awesome. God is doing big things in North Africa right now and seeing all that made me really excited to be a part of it (but no act of God or man can make me excited about the prospect of eating North African food for the rest of my life. Pray for a McDonalds). 

Jordan's currently in North Africa on a tourist visa, which means he has to leave the country every 4 months in order to renew his visa. I just so happened to be visiting when his first 4 months were up :) We figured we'd take advantage of our chance to go somewhere fun, so we went to Milan, Italy for a week and stayed with some of Jordan's friends that live there. So that was super fun. 

I figured there was a pretty good chance Jordan would propose soon (I assumed there aren't that many girls willing to move to North Africa, so I figured he knew he needed to lock this down while he had the chance, before I went home and changed my mind) and I assumed he'd do it in Italy (I mean, he could've done it in North Africa but....come on). On the second day we were in Italy he wore the only nice shirt he brought, so I figured there was a good chance it would happen that day (spoiler alert: I was right). So we spent most of the day sightseeing around Milan, we visited the Duomo cathedral, walked the little Italian streets, we both knew he was going to propose soon and joked about it, so he fake proposed multiple times during the day at random places (to which I responded "You're not doing it here. Stop it. If you do it here I'll say no."), we ate lunch at McDonalds, you know, super romantic stuff. In the afternoon we decided to go see Da Vinci's Last Supper painting at the Santa Maria delle Grazie church. We found out after we got there that you not only have to pay to see it, but you have to make reservations ahead of time (that seemed silly to me), so we never actually saw the painting the church is famous for. But in any case, we started leaving and saw this little courtyard behind the church so we stopped in. 

We sat down in the courtyard for a minute and then he started into his speech of why I'm the most fantastic person he's ever met and how no one is nearly as awesome as I am and never will be and how he'll do whatever I ask him to do for the rest of his life (that's how I remember it going, at least). I thought this was another fake proposal, so I kept saying, "No, stop it. You're not doing it here. Why would you do it here? Quit it." At which he replied, "No, I really am doing it here." I said, "No, why would you do it here?" (I was perchance being a slight bit difficult) Finally he just said, "Kelsey, I'm doing it here! I have a photographer and everything! I'm going to propose to you." By then I was super confused at who and where the photographer was, but I didn't have much time to wonder because in the middle of his speech a large group of German tourists came pouring into the courtyard. He stopped talking, hoping they'd walk through and leave, but apparently they thought it was a really nice courtyard, too and decided to stay awhile. The Germans got comfy and sat down (with their luggage) on either side of us. So there we were, sitting in this Italian church courtyard, surrounded by German tourists with German luggage, in the middle of a half-finished proposal. Jordan had announced he was going to propose but hadn't actually done it yet, so we were sitting awkwardly in silence as he tried to figure out how to recover from the unexpected company. He decided we'd move to the other end of the courtyard, so mid-proposal we got up and walked to the other side where he un-flustered himself and finished his proposal. It was really super funny and we both decided later we wouldn't have had it go any other way. It was hilariously perfect. 

                                     

The proposal definitely hadn't gone as planned, but to his credit, Jordan had tried really hard to set everything up to go perfectly. He had a friend scope out the courtyard a week before at the exact day and time we'd be there to be sure it would be empty and he'd hired a photographer to take pictures of the proposal and to take some pictures of us around Milan afterward. He had even researched a really nice restaurant in Milan to go to that evening, but after a 45 minute walk there we found out it was closed (poor Jordan) but thankfully he had a plan B so we ended up at a really nice restaurant downtown Milan that overlooked the Duomo. Despite everything that didn't go as planned, it really was a wonderful day and now we have a super funny story, so I think it all worked out for the best :)

Ok so, now that we're engaged, what happens next? Well, it looks like I'm moving to North Africa. But not yet, don't worry! Jordan won't be able to get back to the States long enough for us to get married until next fall, so as of now, the plan is for us to get married with just our immediate families on a beach in September 2014 (so if anyone has a beach house they want to let us use for that I certainly wouldn't object). We hope to have some celebrations/receptions with our extended family and friends after we get back (more details on that later...much later. We have absolutely nothing planned yet). 

Team Expansion's policy is that newly married couples have to spend their first few months of marriage in the States (hooray!), so we probably won't be moving to North Africa until the spring of 2015. Until then, things will pretty much be the same. Jordan will continue his work in North Africa and I'll keep working at the home office in Louisville. Since we're both already with Team Expansion it makes things fairly simple. I'll have to go to a few more trainings between now and then, but that should pretty much be it! Well, that and all the planning and packing and support raising and getting married and combining our finances and sharing a car...but THAT should be pretty much it! Maybe?

So....I think that about sums it all up! I'm getting married and moving to Africa. That's not such a big deal, right? Right? Ok if you really want to, you can start praying for North Africa to really embrace the idea of McDonalds. And Taco Bell. And donuts. And Jesus. And movies in English. And Mt. Dew...