You may think this sounds like the ramblings of a cynical, embittered spinster (can you be a spinster at 26? I'd like to try) who has surrendered herself to the overwhelming misery and loneliness that life has dealt. While one of my goals in life is, in fact, to be called a spinster (I think it's a really fun word) and I may be more cynical than some (on the Muppet scale, I'd say I'm somewhere between Kermit the Frog and the angry, old theater guys) I promise that's not what's about to happen. So relax. This will be fine.
The last couple of months have (for obvious reasons) been weird. I've felt angry, hurt, sad, awkward, embarrassed, furious, confused, and uncomfortable. But not really happy. I've always operated under the assumption that in order for me to be happy things had to be going well in my life. I was constantly striving to make all the pieces of my life come together so I could be happy. Then once I was, I was anxiously waiting for the one bad thing to happen that would ruin my wonderful bubble of happiness. So my entire life has basically consisted of me waiting to be happy then being afraid my happiness would be taken away. I felt like Smeagol with the Ring, constantly chasing the one thing I thought would make everything perfect (I've found that everything necessary to know in life can be traced back to Lord of the Rings). Happiness was sort of like the ultimate goal of my life (that and joining the Norwegian curling team. Have you seen these guys?! I need these pants).
But over the last 2 months I realized something. Happiness is totally and completely overrated. I haven't been very happy the last few months, but I have been introspective and thoughtful and humbled. I've been teachable and vulnerable and hungry for God's word (almost as hungry as I've been for donuts...almost). Part way through the last few weeks I discovered I kind of like being like this. I'm not happy, but I'm learning. I'm growing. I'm becoming more like the person I'd always hoped I'd be (a mix between Marshall, the inventor of Pajama Jeans and Liz Lemon). I've learned more over the past 8 weeks than I'd learned in the past 8 years. I've learned more about who I am, who God is, more about people (which has been both good and bad), and life as a whole. I've learned about trust and faith, patience, acceptance, forgiveness, humility and love. And it's been kind of awesome.
I've been reading the book Jesus Feminist by Sarah Bessey (don't worry, I won't bring up the whole "Jesus thought women were people too" discussion....not yet...) and I've learned so many awesome things from it, but one of my favorite lines is a quote she got from Jonathan Martin's book Prototype. While his context isn't the same as mine, I feel like the sentiment is the same. He says, "Far from being a punishment, judgment, or a curse, the wilderness is a gift. It's where we can experience the primal delight of being fully known and delighted in by God." I'd say the "wilderness" is an accurate description of where I've been over the last 2 months. And I'm starting to realize Martin's right. For a long time I wondered what I'd done to deserve this, what I was being punished for, what was wrong with me (I know what you're thinking: clearly nothing, as I'm obviously perfect. I know, we all question scientifically proven facts [like my awesomeness] in dark times). While I don't believe God purposefully causes people pain, I do believe he's taken this dark, painful period of my life and turned it into a gift. A wonderful, messy, enlightening, beautifully transformative gift.
In another part of her book, Bessey likens emotional pain to childbirth. She says that the pain you experience during childbirth is related to your own fears and resistance to the pain, called the fear-tension-pain cycle. Because you're afraid, you tense up, which makes the pain worse, which makes the fear worse. In order to interrupt the cycle, Bessey suggests we "lean into the pain instead of resisting it." One of my favorite parts of her book is when she writes, "I have learned to lean into some pain-- to let the pain be there, part of me, without fear, without judgment, without refusal, because this is all part of the struggle of birth and life." So that's what I'm doing. Instead of fighting it, I'm learning to lean into the pain, to let God use this pain to transform me in any way he sees fit. I don't want to resist it or pretend it isn't there, I want to embrace it, I want to enjoy this time God has given me to be close to him, to learn from him, to be changed by him.
Psalm 34:18 says "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit." I always took that to mean God was there to comfort us in difficult times, which I still believe is true, but this verse took on a different meaning to me lately. Not only is he there to comfort us, but the brokenness in us during these times is what brings us closer to God. He's close to the brokenhearted because it's those who are most humbled, most ready and willing to be used and molded by him; it's those who have nowhere else to turn to make sense of their lives.
While being happy is fun and relaxing and nice, it's not my life goal anymore (at least not today. I'm feeling very spiritual and enlightened today. Tomorrow I'll probably go back to my donuts equal happiness life strategy). I discovered that I will probably never be truly happy (at least not by my own definition). Things will always be bad in one way or another, whether it's work or life or family related, there will most likely never be a time when everything in my life is absolutely as I want it to be. If that does happen, then HOORAY! That will be a glorious day. But I can't chase that down forever, I'll waste my life waiting for something that never comes. I need to be ok with my life as it is. It's not what I wanted or what I chose, but it's my life and I need to accept it and enjoy the beauty of what God has given me.
I've never seen the movie The Odd Life of Timothy Green, but one of the trailers shows Timothy walking to school with his parents. His dad yells out "Have a good day!" and his mom says "That's too much pressure!" followed by, "Have the day you have!" (I find this especially hilarious because this line is what we use to make fun of my sister for being, well, like that.) It may seem ridiculous, but I think there's some wisdom in her school yard declaration. I'm choosing to have the day I have; happy or sad, fun or monotonous, difficult or simple, I want to enjoy every part of it and learn what God's teaching me in every circumstance. My life may not be what I planned, but that's ok. It doesn't have to be. Since when did being "happy" become more important than anything else? I have the life I have and it's still pretty fantastic, even if it's fantastic in a completely different way than I'd expected.
I may not be "happy" but I am content, I have joy and love and trust that God knows what the heck he's doing even when I don't get it. I don't have to get it. I just get to sit back and enjoy the ride (however bumpy and unpleasant it may sometimes be). Being happy is nice, but growing and learning and changing is way more satisfying. So today, I will choose to be blissfully unhappy and enjoy every minute of it.
