So. This is sort of it. I have officially raised all my support to work at Team Expansion in Louisville!! I can't even begin to describe how crazy it is that this is actually happening. This whole thing has been in the process of happening since August of 2010. I've been raising support since January 2011. This is the goal I've been working toward for almost a year and a half now. I've never committed to anything for that long in my life (except for my love of The Office and Taco Bell but those are really different situations...) And now here it is. Right in front of me. About to happen. I have lots of mixed feelings about this that I'm about to share with you. Don't worry, I'll start with the bad so I can end with the good and hopefully you'll leave feeling smiley (rather than unsmiley. No one wants to be unsmiley.)
As excited as I am about this whole "having a real adult life" thing I am also the same amount of horrified and bone-chllingly scared. I've never had a life before. I've never been an adult before (I'm not sure I will become an adult even once I move but I'm sure I'll be closer than I am now...living at home, letting my Mom do all my laundry, staying up til 3 am and sleeping in until 11...) and it's terrifying to think I have to become one now. I was on CCU's campus the other day and I realized that whole phase of my life is over. I had such an amazing college experience but it's done. That can't be my life anymore. And that made me sad. Because my only options are grow up or end up on Dr. Phil as one of those 30 year old moochers that still live off their parents and refuse to have real jobs. But there's nothing fun about being an adult...and everyone knows I only like to do things that are fun. Being an adult seems lame. It's all bills and stress and waking up to the miserable sound of an alarm clock every morning. Eugh. I don't think I hate anything more in the entire world than waking up in the morning.
In addition to being a grown up and paying bills and waking up at a reasonable hour, I'm going to have a job. A real 9-5 every day sort of job (Did you know jobs happen every day? Not ideal for my lifestyle, really). Now don't get me wrong, I'm super excited about this particular job. I don't think I could make myself get out of bed every morning for a job I don't absolutely love and I'm already convinced I will absolutely love this job I have waiting for me. However, having a real job means (once again) waking up in the mornings. Taking regular showers. Wearing real clothes (I'll only have to do this until the Pajama Jean company comes up with a classy pajama work pant design). Planning my meals more than 3 minutes ahead of time. Having social interactions on a daily basis with people that aren't my parents. Going to bed before the infomercials come on at 1 am. And most terrifyingly, no more $5 matinee movies where I'm the only one in the theater. I do love that. I think I will miss that most of all....that or not wearing real pants (I really hate pants).
On top of all that, I'm moving to a new city. I've never really moved to a new city before. I kind of moved to Columbus for 3 months but I don't feel like that really counts. This is so much more...permanent. This isn't an internship, it isn't a summer job or a trial run. This is the real deal. A real job, in a new city, 2 hours away from home. I've never lived more than 30 minutes away from home before. I realize that's slightly ridiculous considering I'm 24 years old but I haven't and it makes me sad so deal with it. I like my house. I like my parents (even though my Dad is worse than Toby and my Mom only does my laundry like, once a week. Really Mom, could you be any more of a slacker?). I like living in a city that I know how to get around. I like Cincinnati. And now I'm leaving....and it's not like going to college leaving or going to Africa for the summer leaving. It's forever leaving. When I move out of my parents' house this time it's for good, there's no coming back for summer vacation and Christmas break. I'm for real moving out (well, unless I lose my job or something and am forced to move back in with my parents but that would really just be sad and not quite the celebratory homecoming of a summer break). Once I move that's it. My room at home won't really be my room anymore (despite my attempts to have the Historical Society preserve it as a national historical landmark). The permanence of this is really a terrifying thought to me. I hate things that are permanent (hence why I've never colored my hair or or signed up for a gym. You really can't quit the gym once they get you.) I like things that are flexible, undo-able. I like having options and escape plans and back up plans for my escape plans and alternate routes to get to my back up plans. I hate permanence. But I guess that is part of being a grown up...committing to things and permanence and forevers. Blech.
As terrified as I am by all of that...I really am also very excited. I'm excited to explore a new city, meet new people, have friends that live within 30 minutes of me, spend weekends doing something other than embroidering and watching Hoarders. I'm also super excited to start working at Team Expansion. Everything I know about Team Expansion and the people that work there is just amazing. Plus, I am genuinely thrilled to be doing the job I have there. I won't go into all the details again of what I'm doing (I assume most of you know and if not then...make up something really cool and pretend I'm doing that. Something like super secret spy or Taco Bell food taster). When I was in school I never really knew what I wanted to do or what kind of job I wanted to have. I had an idea of general things I wanted to do (like not have to wear a visor or hair net to work) but I didn't have a specific idea of what it was I was working toward...but I think that's just because I hadn't heard of Team Expansion yet. I know it sounds cheesy but at this point, there is no doubt in my mind that this job is exactly what God had in store for me all along.
Most of you know about the awesome way I came upon this job...it was really nothing short of God throwing it in my lap and saying "DO THIS NOW!" (I like to think of God yelling at me the way Baby Pearl would in The Landlord) But ever since then, time after time, God has shown me this is exactly what I should be doing. And for many of you who know me, it takes a lot for me to say God wanted me to do something. I tend to be very wary of throwing around phrases like that (with the exception of saying God wants me to eat donuts 3 mornings a week. He and I have a very clear understanding there) but in this case it was pretty undeniable.
Now that I'm fully funded I feel like I can say this without fear of much repercussion...I am horrible at fundraising. I mean absolutely awful at it. I didn't follow half of the rules I was supposed to***, I chickened out of more phone calls than I made, and when I actually did get up the courage to meet with people they were the ones that usually ended up having to ask about my ministry and what I was doing because I couldn't find the right way or time to bring it up myself. It was really just embarrassingly bad. I can speak in front of big groups and churches and stuff, but when it comes to one on one meetings I get weirdly socially awkward and I do a lot of that nervous laughter thing and I make a lot of bad jokes and I ramble about lawn gnomes and how the consistency of cottage cheese freaks me out and how many times I ate cookie dough that week. But despite how much it seems like I was trying to sabotage my own efforts, the money still came in. People still got excited about this ministry. I would get random e-mails or letters or checks in the mail from people I barely knew or hadn't even talked to saying they wanted to support me. Months after I mentioned what I was doing in a casual conversation someone would say they wanted to be a part of this with me. Friends from school who barely had enough money for rent just freely volunteered to support me without me ever even thinking of asking them. It really was nothing short of an absolute miracle. During some of the rough times when I was crazy far away from my goal and felt like I was running out of contacts I'd have people say "So what happens if you don't reach your goal? What's your Plan B?" And that always caught me off guard because I didn't have a Plan B (which is exceptionally odd for me. I have Plan B's for everything. I have a Plan A, B, and C for what happens if I run out of Mt. Dew before I'm finished typing this). But I didn't have a back up. I didn't have a "what if." I just knew I was going to work at Team Expansion. This is exactly what I've wanted to do for a long time now and it seemed odd to me to plan for disappointment. I just knew this was where God wanted me (that's not to say I didn't have moments/weeks of utter terror wondering what would happen if I never was fully funded...but I also have moments/weeks of utter terror about what I'll do if I contract a flesh eating bacteria or if the zombie apocalypse really happens but I never really plan for the possibility of those things either).
I'm not saying all of this to make you think I am some sort of awesome missionary who is so tight with God that I don't worry about anything or that I'm so great that people just throw money at me as I walk by (although that would be super awesome and I wouldn't complain.) I'm telling you all this so you can see how AMAZING God is despite me. I did nothing to make any of this happen for myself. If anything I hindered the whole process a good bit. If I hadn't sucked at this so much I probably could have started working at Team Expansion a year ago. But God still prevailed. He provided, He reassured, He gave me confidence in what I'm doing. He gave me an amazing team of prayer partners who have been utterly fantastic and faithful. And THAT is why I'm so excited to move to Louisville and start at Team Expansion. Because God showed me, time and time again, despite everything I did to prove Him wrong, that this is where He wants me. This is where I'll be useful. This is where I can best serve Him. This is where my life will matter.
**Disclaimer-- Just to be clear, Team Expansion's fundraising tips and coaches are awesome and super helpful and things probably would've gone WAY better for me if I had actually done what they said all the time. However, I am a chicken and I am lazy and I ended up doing it my own (much less practical) way. I wouldn't want anyone to think I was advocating not doing what the experts tell you to do. The experts are experts because they are awesome at what they are doing. I am not an expert because I was awful at what they are doing.
