Thanks, hackers

So I recently took a walk down memory lane thanks to some hackers who messed with my hotmail account. Doesn't make sense does it? Hold on, it will! Quit whining :) Anyways, I got some weird e-mail virus on my super old hotmail account last week so I had to go through and make sure it was all gone, and while I was doing that I found a ton of old e-mails, some from my freshman year of high school all the way up to sophomore year of college. And even a few that were pretty recent. They were random e-mails that I kept because they meant something to me at the time, and they were all from random people, friends, cousins, ex-boyfriends, etc. But going through these was one of the most amazing things I've done in awhile. I got to glimpse pieces of my life from high school through college, what I was thinking, feeling, who I was close to, who felt close to me, what I was up to or upset about or excited for. It's crazy because I'd say those are probably some of the most important years of your life when it comes to forming who and what you are and will become. And it's so great to be able to look back and see who had an impact on me, who changed me, whose ideas and philosophies I appreciated then and understand completely differently now. It's just great.

 

And it's exactly what I needed today. It was another slightly depressing day where I felt like my entire life was behind me because college was over (which means fun is over) and the only possible future I could imagine included me living a life of uselessness and misery and ended with me dying alone and unsatisfied with what I'd done with myself (Yes, I realize that sounds overly dramatic and despondent and yes I'm over it now, don't worry).

 

But I came across these e-mails and it made me realize that I've lived a great life, even if I didn't always appreciate it at the time. I've had amazing people in my life molding me and shaping me, whether they knew it or not, into what I am now and what I will one day become. It's cool to see little bits of other people in my own characteristics and personality, little bits that are there to remind me of some great people who have really impacted my life. And it made me realize that I've had great relationships with people and I've made some great memories and it doesn't have to stop just because I graduated. I mean I realize no one else really thinks that, but sometimes it kind of feels like that for me now.

Anyways, I didn't want to end up sounding super sad and depressed and miserable, which is how I think this kind of turned out...so sorry. Just read it out loud in a squirrel voice and it'll sound a lot happier. Or giggle at the end of  each sentence or something. My point is, it's awesome to be able to look back and see who I was compared to who I am now (I'm much less awkward now, believe it or not. I know, hard to believe). And hopefully in another 5 or 8 years I'll get to look back at these blog posts and be embarrassed that I ever thought these silly things. Hopefully I will know much more by then and I'll look back and think I am really ridiculous and slightly stupid right now. And hopefully I'll be able to look back and see how God took everything that I thought was bad and wrong in my life and pieced it together like a jigsaw puzzle (a super tricky jigsaw puzzle because God is way too smart for those 1000 piecers) to make something amazing and wonderful and totally worth all the ridiculousness and frustrations and "Why the heck did I do that's." That would be great.

I'm The Next Edward

People are important. We all know that we take a lot for granted, but I never realized how much I took people for granted until I didn’t have any. I’ve lived in Columbus for about 2 weeks now…and it’s been a good time don’t get me wrong, I like the apartment (I have my own bathroom!) and I like my job and the people I work with….but I know no one here. Literally, I know the names of 10 people in Columbus and only have the phone numbers of 3 of them. I’ve never moved cities before, my entire life is in Cincinnati. It’s weird leaving that behind and ending up in a city where I literally have no life outside of my apartment and work.

*I would like to take a moment right here to say that the people I DO know here are awesome and have done an amazing job of hanging out with me and making sure I don't feel lonely and taking me on their dates when I'm sure they didn't want to :) And I appreciate that oh so much!! That being said, they aren't always around, we all have very different work schedules so I don't get to see them both all the time. Plus they're kind of engaged so I'm sure they don't want me hanging around all that much*

My point is, I never realized how important people are in your life. Jobs, cars, money…it all means nothing if you don’t have people to share it with.  I know that seems obvious and everyone should know that…but apparently I didn’t haha Last week the 2 people I knew were out of town and working so I went exploring a part of Columbus that I heard had a lot of cool, eclectic stores and restaurants. It kind of reminded me of Clifton. Anyways, I went down there by myself to just sort of see what it was like--I’d also like to mention that I don’t normally mind going places by myself, I actually do it a lot when I don’t even have to. But it’s different when it’s not a choice, when it’s forced on you haha

So I was wandering around and I started to notice there were tons of groups of people waking and shopping and eating together...and for the first time in my life I got jealous of the people that had friends. It seems silly, I mean I have friends (or so I tell myself) but I was seriously jealous that these people had other people to just be with them. I didn’t realize how much I missed it until then.  There’s no one for me to call to go to dinner with me or go to Target with me or to come over to watch my new Office Season 6 dvds. It’s weird to go from college, where there were people around all the time, to Africa, where there were people around all the time, to Columbus where there’s people around all the time, but I don’t know any of them…

I struggled with this a good bit over the last couple of days. I got kind of mad at God because I felt like I did this already; I stepped out of my comfort zone hardcore and went to Africa with people I’d never met. Wasn’t that enough? Was He just trying to make me miserable for kicks and giggles? Well, He probably was. I mean if I was God I would do that…Anyways, I’m sure God is trying to teach me something…but I’m trying to figure out what it is.

While I have no idea what it really is that He’s trying to teach me, sometimes I like to guess :) Guess #1….I realized there was a very good chance God’s teaching me to rely on Him and not on other people. I thought this was a lesson I learned in Africa…but it was way easier there (which sounds ridiculous because nothing is easier in Africa! Especially not bathrooms…). In Africa I had no choice but to rely on Him, I didn’t have my best friends or my family to lean on. I didn’t have anyone else but Him. It was easy. When I got back to the States I wholeheartedly started to suck at life again. I didn’t “need” God anymore, I felt safe, comfortable, happy, so I basically ignored Him. Not entirely…but a lot more than I should have. I tried to justify it 1,000 different ways but let’s be honest…I sucked like a vampire at a blood bank.

My point is….maybe it’s good that I don’t know anyone here. There’s a lot less distractions and a lot more time for me to just hang out with God, which I need to learn to do better. I’m learning to rely on Him even when I don’t “need” Him because of something crazy or awful going on in my life.  I’m learning a lot about living a normal life for Christ…which doesn’t sound exciting but is so so important. Anyone can be an awesome person in Africa, it’s a lot more difficult to be awesome in the States. So let’s hope I can keep that up and I don’t suck so bad that I end up in the next Twilight book….