Debbie Downer :)

Ok so I debated about whether or not I should write this one. I decided yes. So I hope it wasn't a bad idea haha I know you all care a lot about me and what I'm doing, which is why I decided to share some of my struggles along with the amazing parts of my experience in Africa. I couldn't decide if I should or not because I don't want to be a Debbie Downer and I don't want you all to think I'm not having an amazing time, because I most definitely am. But to be honest, not every day is a good day and I definitely have had some hard times since I've been here. And I wanted to tell you about them too, because I know that you all care about what I'm going through whether it's happy or not! So this is going to be pretty honest and I hope no one takes this the wrong way or thinks that I’m not learning a ton or having an amazing time, because I really really am! I still love it, even on my bad days. So just bear with me through this…


So this past week has been a little rougher for me. I hurt my ankle last Friday, which meant I couldn't really go out and do much in the slums at all. So I spent a week in the office, alone a lot of the time, just typing up profiles and entering data into the computer. I was getting really discouraged to be honest because I kept thinking, there's no reason I'm here doing this. I could be doing this from my comfy couch in America. Why am I even here? It's something I definitely struggled with for a few days.

Another aspect of my work that is frustrating is that I don't get to have the awesome experiences and stories that a lot of the other interns have. Most everyone else works with the Social Work department or CHE (Community Health Evangelism), doing lots of home visits and HIV/AIDS support groups and disabled children's ministries. They come back in the evenings with incredible stories of people they've met that are missing limbs but still own a business or 22 year old single moms with 9 year old kids or prostitutes who are trying to change their lives. They get to meet in these people's homes and talk with them and pray with them and see the hope they have for their lives. I just started to get really discouraged this week because a lot of my time during the work day is spent either in the office typing up profiles or sitting through group meetings that are in Swahili. When I do get to talk to people in the groups I'm helping them fill out our forms, which gets really frustrating because of the language barrier. I know the people I talk to have amazing stories but it's so difficult to find out what they are because I don't have a translator with me like the other groups usually do.

So basically I was just getting really frustrated with my work last week. I really wanted to do something more and feel like I was making a difference. Then yesterday my entire perspective changed. We were at a church in Jaska, a boarding school for middle school kids, and our host missionaries Keith and Kathy Ham were there. I talked to Kathy for just a few minutes before lunch, but what she said really changed my attitude. She asked me what department I was working in and I told her I was in BDS doing profiles for the website and she just said “Wow, do you understand how big this is?” I didn’t necessarily know what she was talking about, but she went on to tell me how huge this project was and that it really was a big deal. This website is something they’ve been needing to get up for awhile, she explained, but they haven’t had the people or opportunity to do it. She told me these profiles on the website were going to change peoples’ lives by getting them loans that MOHI couldn’t necessarily afford.

I realized, in that moment, how selfish I had been in my attitude about work. I wanted to experience cool things and hear crazy stories to tell people back home. I wanted the emotional experience of meeting a woman who’s my age but had 3 kids and prostitutes herself to pay for their school. I didn’t necessarily want to help them or encourage them, I mean I do want to do that if I get the chance, but that was not my main motive. My motives were purely selfish. I wanted to meet those people and do those things for my own benefit, so I could be reminded of how lucky I am to live in America and to have the life I have. I wanted to have amazing stories for my friends and family so they would think I did something worthwhile. I dreaded going home and telling people I sat in an office half the time and typed up stories on a computer. But I realize how selfish that was of me. What I’m doing doesn’t necessarily do anything for ME, it doesn’t give ME a cool story or give ME an emotional or spiritual experience, but it helps OTHER PEOPLE! A concept I’ve always had a hard time with in the past. What I’m doing will directly affect hundreds of small business owners in Mathare Valley. It’s so cool to think that God is using me to help these people support their families. But it’s also very humbling. I’m not doing anything spectacular. I’m not necessarily getting a ton out of it, but God is doing amazing things for these people and He’s using me to do that. He could use anybody at all, it doesn’t take a lot to type of a 2 paragraph story, but He chose me. That’s a cool thought.

We all have a tendency to be self-centered, me more than most, I think. But God is really using this time to teach me that it’s not about me or my experiences or stories. I’m not here so I can tell people about what I did or how awesome my trip was, I’m here so I can help these people who don’t deserve to live like this.